Talking to Your Child About an Upcoming Court Date

The hearing is next Thursday. You have known for weeks, and you have not said anything to your child. Now he is asking why you are on the phone so much. Children usually know more than adults think. A calm, short, honest talk is better than a silence they fill with worse stories.

Tell him something true, and keep it small

A child does not need the legal theory. He needs to know the facts that affect his week and to hear that he is not in trouble. Something like: “Mom and Dad are going to see a judge on Thursday. The judge helps grown-ups make a plan. You did not cause this and you do not have to fix it. Somebody will be with you on that day.”

That is enough for most younger children. Older kids may ask more. Answer what they ask, and stop.

What to leave out

Leave out what you are afraid of. Do not tell him who you think will win. Do not say the other parent is “trying to take you.” Do not describe what you plan to say or what the other side will say. Do not say “if the judge asks, tell him…” Coaching a child is a serious problem and it hurts him whatever the outcome. See what can be used against you in a custody case for how it can come back on a parent.

Do not ask him to choose between homes as a message or a promise. If he brings it up, do kids get a say in custody decisions explains how courts usually handle a child’s voice, and that it is not the child’s job to decide.

Give him something to hold

A plan for the day helps more than an explanation. Who will pick him up? Where will he be? Will he see you afterward? A familiar adult, a snack, a book. Tell him the plan ahead of time so he does not have to guess.

If it is a day he does not go to school, tell him what he will do instead. Kids can sense change, and knowing what to expect takes the sting out of it.

Watch how he shows he is worried

Children often show stress in the body and behavior, not words: stomachaches, trouble sleeping, clinging, new tantrums. Do not treat that as manipulation. It is a message. Keep routines steady, bedtime on time, meals regular. Building security and routines when your child splits time has ideas.

If he is very anxious or you are worried, a school counselor or a child therapist can help. That is not a sign the case is going badly. It is care.

What you do with your own nerves

Your child reads your face. If you are frightened, he will be too. Take care of yourself before the hearing: sleep, food, a friend to talk to. Handling stress during a custody case is worth a read. Do the work with an adult, not with him.

If the hearing is one you have not been through before, what happens on day one of a custody hearing can help you know what to expect so you can stay calm.

After the hearing

Tell him something simple, and true: “We saw the judge. It is done for today. Here is what happens next.” If the result is a change in the schedule, tell him in the way you would want to hear it, as a plain fact, not a victory or a loss. Do not talk about the other parent as if they were the enemy. He has to live between both of you.

If you are tempted to debrief him, don’t. Stop using your child as a messenger applies here too. Let him have his evening.

This is educational information, not legal advice. Whether and how a child is told about a hearing depends on his age, your order, and your situation. If a professional is involved (a guardian ad litem, a therapist), ask them how they would like it handled. A licensed attorney where you live can tell you if there are rules about what a child should hear.

This site is not a law firm and this is not legal advice. A court date is an adult event. Let him be a child on the day, and let the adults carry it.

Related: Legal Malpractice in Family Cases: What’s at Stake