A Holiday Phone Call That Doesn't Make Your Child Report Back

It's Thanksgiving afternoon. The table is cleared, and your child is on the phone with their other parent in the next room. You catch a laugh, then a pause, and you want to know what was said. Did they ask about your plans? Is the new partner there? Don't ask. The holiday call is your child's time with their other parent. Your part is to set it up, step back, and keep the questions to yourself afterward. This article covers how to do each of those, and what to do if your child is being questioned on the other end.

The short answer: make the call about the child

A holiday call is a small piece of parenting time. For ten or twenty minutes, your child gets to hear a parent they're missing on a day that is supposed to feel like family. It is not a way for you to find out what goes on in the other house, and your child is not there to carry messages between you.

So your job comes down to three things:

• Set it up. Agree the time and method with the other parent before the holiday.
• Step back. Give your child privacy, and keep your feelings out of the room.
• Don't debrief. After the call, a warm word is enough. Questions are not.

Here's why it matters. When a child has to report on one parent to the other, or deliver messages between you, they end up standing between their two parents. No child should have to stand there.

Over twenty-five years around family court, we've heard a lot about what children don't like. Being questioned about the other home comes up again and again.

Why "reporting back" hurts kids

Children know more than parents think. They know there are two homes, and they know their parents don't hug anymore. They also know when a question isn't really about them. "Did you have fun?" is one thing. "Who was there? What did they say about me?" is something else.

Psychologist Dr. Katherine Elder says using children as messengers can cause anxiety, confusion and guilt. Kids may feel caught between their parents or pushed to pick a side. Over time, some of them learn to hold information back. Goostree Law Group puts the problem plainly: asking a child to report on the other parent gives them an impossible choice. They either betray one parent or disobey the other.

Messages also go wrong. Children forget details or misunderstand them, and that can start new conflict between the parents. If a message upsets the parent who receives it, that parent may react in front of the child. The child can then take that anger as if it were aimed at them, and feel guilty if they forget a message altogether.

Manitoba's government family-law guidance notes that children's loyalty and attachment "do not always end when the couple relationship does." When the call turns into a debrief, children often stop enjoying their time with the other parent, or start keeping things from you to protect everyone.

Set the call up before the holiday

Most of the stress around a holiday call comes from not planning it. Sort it out with the other parent now, adult to adult, well before Halloween or Thanksgiving.

Start with your parenting plan or order. Some plans set phone contact in detail. Many only say "reasonable" contact. Some states write a basic right into law. In Tennessee, each parent has "the right to unimpeded telephone conversations with the child at least twice a week at reasonable times and for reasonable durations." The parent with parenting time also has to give the other parent a phone number where the child can be reached. Other states leave this to the individual order, and there is no single national rule for holiday calls. Check your own order and your own state's rules.

Agree on the details in writing. Settle the time, who calls whom, how long it might last, and what happens if dinner runs late. A short text or email is enough: "Kids will call you at 4:00 on Thanksgiving. If we're running behind, I'll text by 3:45." Delaware Psychological Services recommends putting this into the parenting plan itself: how the parents will talk to each other, and how the children can reach the other parent.

Make it easy for your child. Use a phone number or video link your child can reach without you dialing for them. Make sure the device is charged and works before the day.

Give them privacy. Let your child take the call in another room, with the door closed if they want. Don't hover, listen in or put it on speaker. A call that's "unimpeded," to use Tennessee's word, is one your child can relax into.

During and after the call

Don't push, and don't block. Manitoba's guidance says it simply: "Do not push the child to involve their other parent." If your child wants to call, text or video chat, support that. If they're busy playing with cousins and want to wait a bit, that's fine too. The call is for them, so they don't owe it to either of you.

Keep your feelings out of it. A sigh, a tight face or "Tell your dad we're having a great time" can weigh on a child for the whole call. If the holiday is hard for you, find another adult to talk to while your child is on the phone.

Afterward, keep it light. Ask open, low-pressure questions, or ask none. Let your child bring up whatever they want and leave the rest alone. Some lines that work:

• "Was it good to hear her voice?"
• "I'm glad you got to talk."
• "Anything you want to tell me? No pressure."
• "What do you love most about doing holidays with your mom?"

That last one may feel hard to say, but it helps your child. Manitoba's guidance says encouraging a child to name what they love about the other parent gives them "permission to love that parent without being worried about hurting you."

Questions to avoid: Who was there? What did they say about me? Are they still seeing that person? What did they get you? Even asked casually, these turn a phone call into an interview. The same guidance also warns that children may tell a parent what they think that parent wants to hear, so the answers may not be reliable anyway.

Handle your own questions and worries

You will still have questions and plans to sort out, and sometimes real concerns. They belong with the other parent, not with your child.

• Messages and schedule changes: Send them yourself by text, email or a co-parenting app such as OurFamilyWizard. Manitoba's guidance suggests sharing activity updates with the other parent directly "instead of asking your child" to pass them along.
• Bigger conversations: Goostree Law Group suggests a scheduled phone call between the parents, or a short private talk at the exchange when your child is out of earshot.
• When talking is hard: A mediator, family therapist or divorce coach can help two parents who can't talk calmly to set up a system that works.
• Questions about the case: Take those to your lawyer. Never ask your child.
• Real safety concerns: If you're worried about your child's safety in the other home, raise it with a lawyer or the court. Using your child to collect proof puts them right in the middle of the dispute.

If the other parent is the one pumping your child

Sometimes the questions come from the other side. Your child comes back quiet, or says, "Dad wanted to know if you have a boyfriend."

Stay calm, and don't let your reaction land on your child. Tell them, more than once and in plain words: "You never have to carry messages between us, and you never have to answer questions about this house. That's grown-up business." Watch for signs that they're holding back or trying to manage both of you. Delaware Psychological Services notes that children used as messengers may start doing exactly that.

Keep a short, dated note of what your child said, word for word where you can. Then raise it with the other parent directly and calmly, or ask to add a clause to your parenting plan about communicating parent to parent. If your child seems anxious or caught in the middle, a counselor gives them a neutral person to talk to who isn't on either side.

Sources (6)

• Delaware Psychological Services: Using Kids as Messengers After Divorce
• Goostree Law Group: Your Children Are Not Messengers When Co-Parenting
• Hofheimer Family Law: using children as messengers
• Manitoba Family Law: Healthy Relating as a Family
• Tennessee Bar Association Journal: New Statutory Parental Rights (Tenn. Code Ann. §36-6-101(a)(3)(A))
• Justia: Tennessee Temporary Parenting Plan form

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